Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Stella spent the weekend boogie-ing out at a neighborhood festival, dancing her ass off. She is a true party girl. Also she loves to go to the tav, and it is a bit disconcerting to have a child who is an accomplished bar fly at age four. She does not get that from me. My idea of a crazy party in college was to get a diet coke from the soda machine at the library at 11 PM on a Friday, before getting in just one more hour of studying.

Actually, the wildest thing I ever did in college was to join up with other runners on the cross country team for late-night runs to the reservoir where we'd all go skinny-dipping, ignoring the NO SWIMMING signs. Years later I read an article saying that the rez was basically a giant holding pool for pesticide-contaminated water, which is why they had the signs up. No wonder I can no longer blink both my eyes at the same time. But of course nothing draws a kid like a no swimming sign. If they really wanted to scare off college students, they should erect signs proclaiming how healthy it is to swim in the pond, maybe that there's a lot of fiber in there or something. That would have driven us away for sure. And I think instead of putting health warnings on cigarette packets, the government should put their money behind advertising the health benefits of smoking -- there has to be one, right? maybe it reduces your likelihood of contracting lice, since they have problems clinging to hair coated with nicotine -- and then smoking would quickly become unpopular.

Speaking of taste, and almost completely changing the subject, this ad came inside a bag of cat food that I bought. It's an ad for wet cat food called Wild Salmon Primavera In A Classic Sauce With Garden Veggies And Greens. I have several problems with this.

First, that is some seriously fancy food considering the way most cats barf it's going to be deposited on the living room rug 45 minutes after was eaten, along with a hairball shaped disconcertingly like a turd.

Second, that cat food has a name that is 12 words long. Even I don't eat food with names that long, unless you count Creamy Puree of Salted Ground Legume Spread Lovingly On Two Slices of Bread, which is the peanut butter sandwich I packed for lunch.

Third, what the hell does "classic sauce" mean? I think that might be a fancy way of saying "goop." Or -- and I'm not proud of this but I went to the Elegant Medleys website to get a list of the ingredients -- does it refer to menadione sodium bisulfite complex?

Fourth, I once had a cat that I got from a farm and she had to be dewormed several times after I got her and let's just say I lost my taste for long skinny noodles for a while, so I'm a bit suspicious about whether that is actually a piece of spaghetti next to the garnish on the plate or something far worse.

The ad actually came along with a free can of this cat food, so I'm going to give it to my cats to see how they like it. Then I'm going to rub them all over with nicotine -- I hear it makes it harder to get fleas.

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