Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Stella is now five years old! She had three different birthday parties, including one in Pennsylvania, one with her preschool friends, and one with our neighbors. Of course all three parties involved copious amounts of cake and ice cream. To be competitive in today's increasingly obese world, children need to get an early start on being overweight and I am confident we furthered that goal this weekend. The heck with a pony -- really the best gift we could give her is laying the groundwork for insulin resistance so she can develop Type II diabetes ahead of her peers.

As an aside on the topic of obesity, on one flight of our recent trip the kids and I sat next to an extremely overweight fellow. Actually I made Stella sit in the seat next to his because I figured he couldn't help but extend beyond his own space into the space of the person next to him, and it would be best if the person next to him didn't take up the whole seat. All went well until Stella wanted to watch cartoons, for which I needed to access the controls on the armrest that was between Stella and her neighbor. His body had positively engulfed the armrest. I tapped him on the arm and made pointing motions to the armrest, until he understood and lifted up the side of his body with his hands to give me access. A few years ago I hung a bird feeder in a tree using a big hook, and in time the tree grew around the hook. I am worried about that happening with this fellow and the armrest.

Anyway, now that Stella is five, she has several new concerns about Baby W. One is that he sucks his thumb too loudly. That might not sound like a big sin, but you know who else sucked his thumb? HITLER!

Her other complaint these days is that Baby W's "face hurts her feelings." Is that the new-century way to say that somebody is ugly? Or maybe it's deeper than that and is meant to express a visceral dislike for someone's visage. In that case, I know several people whose faces hurt my feelings, but I'm happy to say that there are a lot fewer of them around now that Bush is no longer in office.

Stella got a lot of presents for her birthday, most of which include tiny parts that seem designed to be as attractive and as dangerous as possible to Baby W. Chief among these is a Lite-Brite toy. Remember Lite-Brite? This toy comes with a lot of small, colorful pegs that from a baby's perspective look delicious, sort of like giant rainbow sprinkles. None other than Martha Stewart suggests using Lite-Brite pegs to sprinkle on top of your strawberry-rhubarb cupcakes with lemon cream cheese frosting. According to the box, Lite-Brites have won the Paranoid Parents Association award for the last two years for Toy Most Likely to Perforate a Baby's Intestine.

Stella's fifth year is going to hold a lot of exciting experiences. This will be the year she goes to kindergarten, takes another trip to New Zealand, and learns to deal with a brother who is increasingly able to interact with her. I'm not looking forward to her turning six a year from now, because you know who used to be six once? HITLER.

1 comment:

  1. Maggie FitzsimmonsDecember 1, 2010 at 7:56 PM

    Baby W's face hurts Stella's feelings...that's going to keep me chuckling for a while!