Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Baby W just had a checkup and the doctor said that according to the growth chart used by the World Health Organization, Baby W is in the 100th percentile for height. I take this to mean that Baby W is the tallest baby in the WHOLE WORLD, a conclusion I had more or less come to on my own, but it's nice to have the confirmation. Stella is only in the 97th percentile for height, which means I might have to put her back on the rack and give the wheel another couple turns to stretch her out a little more. So there are a few five year olds taller than her, but they all live in Samoa. Or Latvia. I take all this with a grain of salt, because of course the World Health Organization is a fascist agency devoted to serving a secret Kenyan cabal that wants to destroy our country's economic and personal freedoms. The WHO merely cloaks its nefarious purposes under a guise of promoting breastfeeding and access to clean water.

On the topic of breastfeeding, Baby W does not need any convincing. He takes to the breast right away, even if he is tired or sad. Stella used to take some persuading when she was very tired and I knew that nursing would  help. Even though she couldn't talk, her intent was clear -- she'd whip her head around - no! no! no! no! until she latched on and then ohhhhhhh, that's verrrrrry good and her eyes rolled up and she was immediately asleep.

Stella still falls asleep quickly, but not as quickly as me. Every night at 8:00 PM I lie down with the kids and while I wait for them to fall asleep I make a mental list of all the things I am going to do after I get back up. The subconscious part of my brain spends that time laughing at the list-making part of my brain because apparently I haven't learned that at every night I fall asleep and then at 9:42 PM I jerk awake with a snort, and decide it's not worth it to get back out of bed. Even if the list-making part of my brain had put just one thing on the list -- changing out of my clothes -- I still couldn't have crossed it off.

So Stella and I are sharing a bed these days and sleep seems to be better for everyone. Sleeping in the same bed as a five year old poses special challenges, and if I don't position myself aggressively, my share of the mattress will be six feet long and one inch wide. I have developed a special technique to address this issue, one called MOVE. THE FUCK. OVER. I often augment it with a method I like to call The Shove.

We're heading up to the in-laws to get together with family and enjoy a great meal. Most of all the holiday is a time to give thanks, and when we watch football we will all give thanks we don't have the Lions as our home team. According to the charts used by the World Health Organization, they're in the 100th percentile for losing.

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