Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I have come to the reluctant conclusion that people with the same first initial (T) and last name as me (Cornelius) are morons. This makes me sad, partly because Cornelius is a great last name. It's not so common that there's somebody else in your high school class with the same name, yet it's familiar enough that most people can spell it and pronounce it. It doesn't lend itself to derogatory nicknames. I mean, you can try to work something up using the whole "corny" aspect of the name, but it's a lot of work for something that doesn't sting too much. I saw an obit yesterday for a fellow named Henry Crapp -- now there's a bad last name. On the other hand, think how much time his named saved his fellow schoolmates in their search for coming up with insulting nicknames for each other. His parents did their work for them.

Cornelius is a great last name, and it's better than David's last name, which is shorter but difficult to know how to pronounce or spell. I was determined that Stella should have my (clearly superior) last name, and in fact that's how I broke the news to David: "Hey honey, I'm pregnant and by the way thebabygetsmylastname." Apparently I love Baby W less, because he has David's last name. The holiday letters we get this time of year are amusing because nobody is quite sure what the last name of anybody in this family is, and they often come addressed to the written equivalent of David and Tamarine Mumble Mumble.

But the sad thing about people named T. Cornelius is they are apparently not very bright. I base this on the number of emails I get that in error, that have clearly been caused by some other tcornelius entering their email address wrong. For example, whoever has will buy something and accidentally list my address of I am not going to list my actual address because apparently if you do the spambots immediately assume you're in need of penis-enlarging pharmaceuticals  and start sending you helpful sales pitches. From the emails I already get, I've calculated that penis-enlargement pills make up at least 10%, and some months as much as 12% of the national gross domestic product, with another 8% of the GDP generated by Nigerian royalty pleading for help releasing their fortunes.

A fellow named Timothy Cornelius helps prove my point. Every couple weeks he buys protein powder from GNC and gives them my email for the shipping confirmation. But I probably shouldn't make fun of Timothy; anybody who needs to buy extra protein can probably crush my skull as if it were a can of spirulina extract.

I also have somehow gotten into the email distribution list of Adelphic Union Lodge #14 in Harlem. I'm not quite sure what this group of men (and they are all men) is about, but I think their organization might be masonic-related, so they are probably going to have to snuff me out for even mentioning that they exist. I actually love being on this email list because of how they address each other -- they use the title Worshipful, then the person's last name. I myself have been addressed on this email list as Worshipful Cornelius. I knew something had been missing from my life, and now I know what it is: not enough people calling me Worshipful.

You know how when you buy something online and you have to give your name, you often have to indicate if your title is Mr, Mrs, Ms, etc? I'm starting a campaign right now to include Worshipful among the list of prefixes. There's one person I can think of who would be dead set against this idea. He's passed on, though, so I don't think we need to worry too much about Worshipful Crapp.

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