Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I'm back in Pennsylvania for the holidays -- that's right, I said HOLIDAYS rather than Christmas, mostly because I am a member of the liberal atheist elite who devote their lives to destroying everything Christ stands for, up to and including Christmas sales of $10 off any purchase of $50 or more at Kohl's. (Also, I do not shave my armpits, but that might go without saying.)

Speaking of the HOLIDAYS, in college I had a friend who lived with a few other students in house off campus, and he and his housemates had gotten a Christmas tree. When he said it was the first time he'd ever had a Christmas tree, I was flummoxed. Was he really poor growing up? I asked. No, he said. I know he grew up in a big city -- maybe they didn't sell Christmas trees in the city. They do sell trees in the city, he said. I did eventually figure out why he didn't have a Christmas tree growing up, but it took me a surprisingly long time to remember that Santa doesn't come down Jewish kids' chimneys. I think Santa might be an anti-Semite, probably from hanging around with Mel Gibson too much.

I do not want to be responsible for
introducing my mother to
Angry Birds
Whenever I visit my mom in Pennsylvania, I make sure to ask her if she needs any help with the computer. My mom and stepfather often have a list of things they can't figure out that are actually pretty easy -- like saving an attachment from email to the desktop -- that I can can do for them. They just recently got Droid phones and are learning how to use those, so for Christmas my sister gave them a "gift" of three free apps that she would install on their phones. How great of an idea is that for a gift? It's FREE! And it will only take my sister a few minutes to install them. Why didn't I think of that? Next year, I will try to figure out a gift for my mother that will cost me nothing but a couple minutes of effort. Do you think she would like some dust bunnies? It might be tough wrapping them, but nothing's too good for the woman who gave birth to me.

I'm no newcomer to providing technical assistance to the un-technically inclined. At my former place of employment, I was by far the most tech-savvy of the people working there and as such wound up providing a lot of de facto technical assistance even though that wasn't my job. I learned firsthand what my sister has said for years: Be careful what skills you master, because then everyone will come to you for help. One person in particular would call me for assistance, and while I was always glad to be of use, I would get a little irritated when my coworker would proclaim that SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, that the computer just SPONTANEOUSLY opened the wrong document and then deleted a bunch of paragraphs ALL BY ITSELF and could I please help because apparently her computer had EVOLVED INTO A SENTIENT BEING and it was PISSED. Hey, if you hit a wrong button, then I can help. But it sounds like what you need is an exorcism, and I used my last bit of holy water to tend to my philodendron.

Christmas is past which  means New Year's Eve is right around the corner. I always waffle on whether to make any new year's resolutions. Should I set resolutions as a means of striving to improve my character? Or should I just accept my foibles as part of being human? This year, though, I'm definitely going to make a resolution: 2011 is the year I stop shaving my legs, too.


  1. I look forward to your every blog entry like a spazzy, stalker freak.

  2. Thanks. (I think.) And thanks for the kind words on your own blog!