Sunday, December 19, 2010


We had a rainstorm followed a few hours later by a snowstorm and while the main streets have since recovered, the side streets, sidewalks, and bike paths are covered with a packed-down combination of snow and ice that on the spur of the moment I have decided to call "snice." Please adopt this terminology and let's see if we can get this thing to go viral! This would be my first experience with anything viral (other than chicken pox) since I am so out of the mainstream media that I regularly do not recognize the stars on the cover of People Magazine. I am thinking this could be a serious liability if the terrorists get their hands on a nuclear bomb, use it on an American city, and our civilization crumbles to their point where knowledge about Kim Kardashian or Justin Bieber becomes useful in a post-apocalyptic world.

My ignorance of mainstream median means I have never seen Glee, which from the enthusiasm of my Facebook friends seems to be a major omission. David once had to watch an episode for work -- I know that sounds funny, but it's true -- and proclaimed it "boring," and since this is a guy who thinks 3.5 hours of a football game that ends in a score of 3 to 0 is fascinating, I took his comment to heart. 

Since I dodge mainstream media, you might think I rely more on outlets like NPR. But for some reason I never listen to NPR either, a fact that I'm sure bedevils NPR since I'm smack in the middle of all their target demographics. They're sitting around the table saying, "Let's see, mid 30s, graduate degree, on the 1 to 10 scale of being a wild-eyed liberal she's a 11, lives in the people's republic of Madison for crying out loud -- why isn't she listening?!?" And you know, I did turn on NPR recently but it was because I was stuck in a traffic jam in Milwaukee caused by the police closing down the interstate because some guy on the highway was holed up with a gun threatening to shoot various people. I suspect he was listening to NPR too. Hearing some twee story about a white mariachi singer who is also a part-time hedgehog masseuse probably sent him over the edge.

Why do I suspect this guy's name
is Walter?
Anyway, the snice on the roads means I am hesitant to ride my bike to work due to the slick surface. I try to be careful but I have taken a few falls on my bike, one (of course!) in front of a whole group of little kids and their parents who were waiting for the school bus. I hit the ground hard, and it was very, very difficult for me not to let loose with a whole string of f-bombs but out of consideration for the little tykes' ears I managed to bite my tongue, and let me just say that St. Peter better have been paying attention because I'm hoping that restraint weighs heavily on my side when I hit the pearly gates. When I wiped out on my bike, several parents ran over to me in alarm. One dad asked, "What hurts?? Is it your neck? Did you hit your head??" I managed to groan out, "It's my butt...I hit my butt really hard." Strangely, I didn't get much sympathy after that. In fact I did hit my head, but since I was wearing a helmet I had very little damage to the old noodle. So I'm thinking that maybe I should design some sort of protection for my other end. I could call it the butt-met.

All this snice means I'm taking the bus to work, which wouldn't be so bad except that when it snows the bus system apparently runs on a schedule known to none in this universe, where somehow the buses actually manage to make time run backwards. I think Stephen Hawking should come to town to investigate.

The roads have improved the last couple days, which is good because I need to get out and finish my Christmas shopping. Yikes, just a few days left! This year I've decided to take a one-size-fits-all approach to getting gifts. Everyone on my list is getting a butt-met. 

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