Monday, December 6, 2010

Rust

I'm revisiting the topic of renaming Wisconsin to help with our economy. Two posts ago, I suggested that an over-reliance on the letter W is dragging us down and the state should move to an I-based name. Reader Marce had the brilliant idea of renaming our state iSconsin. Why didn't I think of that? Then we would almost be as cool as iOwa.

I know these are politically charged times, but renaming Wisconsin to iSconsin is not a partisan issue. Ha, you didn't actually believe that, did you? Anything that is described as not a partisan issue is invariably a hotly-contested partisan issue. Here, let's try an example. "Babies are cute. That's not a partisan issue." But wait! Here comes the Coalition of Concerned Adults (CCA), which is alleging that most babies are freeloaders on the system. This group points out that the baby unemployment rate is scandalously high and they pay very little in taxes.  Babies often take their parents out of the workplace and therefore destroy jobs. Plus, everybody knows babies suck up a lot of BadgerCare health insurance money.

Does that sound cute to you? Only if you're an America-hating socialist! Soon you will be nodding your head along to CCA's argument that babies are destroying the fabric of our community and hindering our ability to be economically competitive. And that's even before the Alliance for Diaper Control weighs in.

Milwaukee is full, and I mean FULL,
of babies. No wonder they have
problems.
Another approach we could take to help getting Wisconsin back on track economically is to dump Milwaukee. Milwaukee is an ailing community, with a high prevalence of poverty and declining manufacturing base. Many rust-belt cities have met the same fate, with Minneapolis being a notable exception in that it has managed to retain a vibrant economy. Look, even Favre can get a job in Minneapolis!

I say we sell Milwaukee to Chicago for cheap and let them try to turn it around. Another alternative would be to take a very sharp saw and cut around the borders of Milwaukee County and then float it gently out into Lake Michigan. Perhaps Michigan would throw a rope out and tow it in for the scrap value.

The downside to these plans is that without Milwaukee, this state is basically South Dakota. Still those people  seem happy, all seven of them. (As an aside, doing so-called "research" for this post, which mostly involved eating marshmallows, I went to WikiAnswers and read a question that someone had posted asking what you call a person who lives in South Dakota. Another person had posted the answer, "They're South Dakotens, dumb shit," misspelling Dakotans. To my mind, this exchange pretty much sums up the internet.)

Ex-Governor Malleus,
Incus, and Stapes
Wisconsin is getting a new governor soon who has promised to put a high priority on creating jobs in the state and reducing unemployment. He's also pledged to make a lot of cuts in state government. I'm concerned that this will have a negative effect on the University of Wisconsin, which is one of the best things this state has ever done, edged out only by deep-fried cheese curds and the fact that for years we had a governor leading the state who had essentially the same first and last names (Tommy Thompson) which meant we only had to remember one name, thus freeing up valuable space in the Wisconsin memory banks. For some reason I appear to have allocated my share to remembering the names of the three tiny bones in your ear.

With apologies to Tommy Thompson, I want to go on the record as saying that people should not have the same first name as their last name. Finally, we've found an topic that is not a partisan issue.

2 comments:

  1. 1) you are so freaking funny. can't you turn this into a moneymaking gig? you've got connections in LA... what's the problem?
    2) what are the tiny bones? don't leave us hanging...
    3)why would you eat an untoasted marshmallow? or maybe you were doing your research at a backyard fire pit?

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  2. Thanks for the kind words, Liz. I guess it takes a refined palate and a true connoisseur to appreciate raw marshmallows. The names of the bones are actually in the post -- look deep into Gov Thompson's eyes and you might see them.

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