Sunday, January 9, 2011

Grocery

Most of the time we do our grocery shopping at the small neighborhood store that is literally around the corner from our house. It's fast, it's convenient, it has the kind of yuppie-hippie food we like to buy, and it's comforting to know that in a bad snowstorm or god forbid some worse catastrophe, we would still be able to load up on the essentials, like duck fat.

But sometimes I go to the big-box grocery store, where I kick into super-human mode. I have put our typical grocery list into a spreadsheet organized by aisle, which means I can get in, drop $200, and have the groceries put away in 90 minutes, all with two kids. I am a grocery-shopping machine, focused like a laser, and yes,I do occasionally get elderly women stuck in the wheels my shopping cart as I zoom through the store, but you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs (which are in aisle 4). 

Now, the next thing we need is for
someone to invent
spray duck fat.
I'm bringing up grocery shopping because the last time I was in the big box store, my eye fell upon what can only be described as one more sign the end times are near, a category that was previously dominated by toilets in O'Hare that talk to you. My eye fell upon Batter Blaster, which is pancake batter in an aerosol can. Oh wait, I'm sorry -- organic pancake batter in an aerosol can. I think this product must be aimed at people too hung over to add water to pancake mix -- oh, wait, I'm sorry, organic pancake mix -- the old-fashioned way.

If Batter Blaster is indeed aimed at people with an alcohol problem, it makes sense to sell the product in Wisconsin. The alcohol consumption here is out of this world, and Wisconsin is ranked #1 for drunk driving among the states. That means that drunk drivers make up a valuable market component that has not been fully exploited by any food product, and maybe Batter Blaster should be the first. "Not sure how you got home last night? Worried about why the front passenger side of the car is caved in? Have a pancake -- an organic pancake -- from a pressurized can!"

I myself an am extreme lightweight when it comes to drinking, and yes, I do realize that this drags down our state average alcohol consumption and prevents Wisconsin from attaining true binge-drinking excellence. I am not fit to live within the state's borders. (Please don't make me move to Iowa. I'll make up for my teetolling ways by eating my weight in cheese.) The last time I had any significant amount of booze was when we went out to eat with another family, and I got a margarita. The result was that I was back home by 7 PM, drunk, with a kid in tow. Not exactly a party. Plus, Stella skunked me at Chutes & Ladders that night.

When I saw the pancake-batter-in-a-spray-can, my first thought was WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS BEFORE CHRISTMAS? This would have made my gift shopping so much easier! Nothing says holiday spirit like aersolized food product. (Er, organic aersolized food product.) I did consider buying a can for the novelty factor, although I wound up resisting. Probably due to all these elderly women stuck in my shopping cart wheels.

3 comments:

  1. You're magic! I could NOT get our local weather site to load, then I came to Midwest Potato, read two blog entries, and voila! They loaded. I attribute this to the fact that we're both atheists, and "somebody up there" likes us. :)

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  2. I'd like to take credit, but really I think it's probably the positive energy of pancakes in a can.

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  3. As seen on the John Tesh radio show? Yes, sir highly recommended. That is where I SEE most of my consumer goods. On the radio.

    Rob

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