Saturday, January 29, 2011


Baby W has stopped sucking his thumb, a disaster that ranks below the Holocaust in magnitude but somewhere above the Hindenburg. Without his thumb, he needs the nipple to get back to sleep, which has the two-fold effect of (a) keeping me up all night and (b) contributing to the Yellow Tsunami, the tidal wave of urine that bursts through any overnight diaper he wears, soaking him, the bed, and me.

If Baby W was a superhero and needed a superpower, diaper-busting would definitely be his niche. Let's say the bad guy put some giant Huggies on the Great Lakes and was drying up our drinking supply. "KID YELLO," as he would be called, would simply let fly with his own major tributary, overloading the bad guy's absorbency system and saving the day, although Lake Michigan might smell a little off afterwards. I would definitely not recommend going swimming in that water.

I got so desperate to not wake up next to a urine-soaked baby that I actually put two disposable diapers on him the other night, one on top of each other. We normally use cloth diapers, and when I do use a disposable diaper, I am always amazed by the elaborate engineering that goes into each diaper. These diapers have gussets, mini-velcro that's soft to the touch, an expandable waistline, etc. Still, all that American ingenuity and a double-layer of diapers proved no match for KID YELLO and he woke up in a puddle.

Maybe Baby W thinks that soaking the bed is his constitutional right. Perhaps -- and I'm no constitutional scholar but I can see how this might work -- the Second Amendment could be broadly interpreted to mean that Baby W has the right to bear the only weapon to which he has access right now. His right to soak the bed is critical to "a well-regulated militia," and if somebody broke into our house then I would be mighty glad to have  Baby W on hand who could defend our homestead by getting the assaulter's shirt all grody. I'll get him a bumper sticker that says "Urine streams like firehoses don't soak the bed; babies soak the bed."

I'm not sure what the next step is for trying to keep the bed and Baby W's clothes dry at night. I might go with a large plastic bag, which I would place around his entire body leaving only his head out. Then I would take a twistie-tie and very gently fasten the bag around his neck, thereby containing the effluvia. In the morning I would throw away the bag, rinse him off, and we'd be set to go!

Or -- since I've been learning to sew -- perhaps I could sew a bunting for him made entirely out of disposable diapers. Then he would have absorbency all over his body, which apparently he needs. Maybe KID YELLO has developed the super-ability to emit urine from other parts of his body as a defense mechanism, sort of like those lizards that squirt blood from their eyes to scare off predators.

All I know is that mornings are kind of smelly around here. I'd like to change that, but I feel like I've run through most of my available options without finding a solution that works. And if I try anything else, I might get some pushback from Baby W. He's started wearing a onesie that says, "When Urine Output Measured in Gallons is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Urine Output Measured in Gallons."

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