Thursday, January 27, 2011

Super

Go Pack! Now that the Packers are headed to the Super Bowl, I figure it's juuuust about time for me to jump on the bandwagon, although I certainly don't want to rush into anything. We watched the game up in Appleton at David's parents house, or rather I should say David poured his heart and soul and every joule of emotional energy he possessed into focusing on the game with laser-like intensity, while I balanced him out by keeping only half an eye on the tv and after a big play asking which side had hit a home run.

I love how the networks show a digital yellow line on the field to show where the first down is, because it makes it easier for people like me who don't know much about football to understand what's going on. I can think of several additional improvements to the game that would further improve the experience for casual observers. Sometimes it's tough to visually follow where the football is actually going, so I think it would be helpful to have a small but powerful LED light on the football. The power could be supplied by the Detroit Lions pedaling furiously on stationary bicycles on the sidelines, since they're in little danger of actually needing to play football.

Also, to help people like me understand field position, perhaps the games could utilize a color-coded alert system like Homeland Security, except the system would alert us to the likelihood of an impending score rather than a terrorist attack. For example, the alert level is yellow if the team is inside the 30 yard mark, and it rises to orange if they pass the 20 yard mark. If the alert level rises to red then all the pads and helmets would have to go through the x-ray machine and coaches could bring only one small carry-on with no liquid gatorade.

Also, I think all the defensive linemen should wear tutus, because holy cow do those people need to get in touch with their feminine side.

When the Packers last went to the Superbowl (and lost to the Broncos) I watched the game with a bunch of other point-headed non-Cheesehead native students in my graduate school program, and I remember afterwards one of my colleagues saying, "Oh well, John Elway was retiring so it was nice for him to win, and anyway the Packers won last year." Even as un-invested as I was in the Packers winning, her non-competitive attitude shocked me a little, but maybe that's another good way to tweak the games to make them attractive to a wider audience -- decide the winner based on which team deserves it more. And now that we have a quarterback who is able to refrain from making smooth romantic moves like faxing a copy of his sweaty jock strap to his latest favorite lovely lady -- unlike SOME recent Packer quarterbacks we've had -- the Packers would be a shoo-in to win the Super Bowl.

You know what misbehaving Packer I miss? Najeh Davenport, whose full name according to Wikipedia is Najeh Trenadious Monte Davenport. My own name is pretty fancy, so I'm not one to make fun of unusual names. Still, it's a bit strange how his first three names sound like they're taken from the lineage of Ethiopian kings but his last name is a city in Iowa. He could name his kid Ignatius Abdikarim Chinouyazue Cedar Rapids.

Anyway, Mr. Sioux City at one point broke into the dorm room of a woman, where he hid in a wardrobe and and defecated in the laundry basket. I don't know what drug is is that makes you mix up a laundry basket and a toilet bowl, but whatever it is, Najeh had easy access to it. According to Wikipedia, this earned him the nickname of "Dump Truck," although at our house we had a different name for him. It always cracked me up when he would make a particularly good play and David would yell, "Go, Closet Crapper, go!"

Najeh Davenport doesn't play for the Packers anymore, and I couldn't really tell from the Wikipedia article whether he is still playing football. I know one place to look for him: on the sidelines with the Detroit Lions, pedaling furiously away.

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