Sunday, March 20, 2011


David and I try to practice Attachment Parenting, which is supposed to give your kids the loving foundation they need to grow into secure, emotionally functional adults. But we're discovering the downside, which is that in the meantime is that the kids are very, you know, attached. Perhaps you'll think less of me for saying this, but there are times that I wish we had instead tried to practice Give Me A Little Space Parenting. Many of those times involve a toilet. (Stella often complains that she "gets lonely" when she is going to the bathroom, and I guess she tries to make sure that I will not suffer the same horrible fate.)

Just like his sister, Baby W is a cuddle bug and likes to be close to me, particularly at night. This works great if you want to spend the night nursing and thinking about how sweet the baby is, how tight the bond of love is between us, and how fleeting childhood is. If you would like to spend the night actually sleeping, though, it works like crap.

It doesn't help that Baby W has developed an aversion to his co-sleeper, which I think of as sort of like a three-sided crib strapped to the side of my bed, but which Baby W obviously thinks of as Sing Sing. He usually starts whimpering the moment I put him in the co-sleeper, although last night he started whimpering right as I was lowering him in, before he was even technically "in" his co-sleeper. I pointed out that his actions violate Rule 147.2(a)(7) of the Parent-Child Governance code, which states that a child cannot start complaining about being left alone until said event has actually transpired. However this rule is rarely enforced, which is good, because if it were the prisons would be even fuller than they already are, and what's more they would be full of babies, which means The Shawshank Redemption would be a totally different movie.

The kids waking up all night long and wanting to snuggle makes it difficult for David and I to find time to do our own snuggling, if you know what I mean. When I see people with three or four kids, I want desperately to ask them how?? How did they actually have the opportunity to engage in the act that would be necessary to conceive those younger kids? Perhaps it was all done by post-it note, which is how things get done around our house. (I picture a vial left on the dining room table, with a note: "Pls use b4 10AM for optimum sperm motility. Best of luck, xoxo, P.S. can you defrost chckn for dinner?")

On the other hand, the difficulty of finding time to slip away with David means that our circumstances are perfect for me to declare my intention of pursuing secondary virginity, which is the idea that even if you engaged in premarital sex, you can abstain from sexual activity and renew your purity. Of course, it is not easy to achieve secondary virginity. One website I looked at urged people considering secondary virginity to "avoid intense hugging and passionate kissing" and warned that "anything beyond a brief, simple kiss can quickly become dangerous." Rest assured there are minimal dangers to my secondary virginity on that front. In other words, I'm in like Flynn!

Attachment parenting or not, I'm committed to getting Stella to sleep in her own bed, and hoping that Baby W will not nurse quite so often at night. While I'm at it, I'm also hoping that Stella will stop stomping on her brother's hands and that Baby W will stop pinching my waist flab between his fingers while he nurses. I will call this course of action Give Me A Break Parenting.

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