Thursday, April 21, 2011


I am in the process of buying life insurance. Wait--wait! Don't stop reading already! Listen, if you think it's boring READING about life insurance, you should try BUYING it. Baby W has had some trouble sleeping recently, and perhaps I should bring the policies to bed with me and read them to him instead of nursing him, although I'm a little afraid that they would have too strong of a sedative effect and we just might lose him forever.

Now, I want to get back to life insurance, too bad for you -- but first, my eye just fell upon a envelope sitting here at the desk at which I am typing. This envelope originally held some papers that came in the mail for us, and small type on the envelope itself claims that the envelope has been "treated with an anti-microbial agent to guard against the growth of bacteria, mold, mildew, fungus, and odors." At first I was puzzled why an envelope would need all those protections -- mildew? It's not like I'm showering in the envelope -- but then I gave up trying to find any rhyme or reason and now I am planning using the envelope for medicinal purposes. I'll rub the envelope all over my kids if they get impetigo. Do you think it would also have the potential to kill lice?

And THAT reminds me of a work training I had a few years back, when my Very Serious Workplace brought in a consultant to talk to us about how to relax. Mostly I remember she told us that eyebrow massages can be very calming, and I still give myself eyebrow massages to this day. (It works great to give yourself an eyebrow massage, but I don't really know how it would work to give somebody else one. I'm not sure that eyebrow massages can replace back massages as a precursor to sex.)

The consultant at the Very Serious Workplace training told us that most diseases were caused by stress, which I had a little trouble going along with. I slipped a note to my coworker sitting next to me, daring her to ask if chicken pox was caused by stress. She responded by double-daring me to ask if halitosis was caused by stress. I triple-dog-dared her to ask if excessive ear wax was caused by stress, or -- and now you can see how this all ties in -- lice. Let's just say that I don't work at that Very Serious Workplace any more.

Back to life insurance! We're getting some! And the insurance company is sending someone to take our blood, probably to test for chicken pox and halitosis and excessive ear wax. You are supposed to get your blood drawn soon after you wake up and before you have anything to eat. David's blood draw is scheduled for noon, since that's about when he wakes up -- but since the draw will need to take place before he has any coffee, I'm afraid the life insurance company will analyze his blood and conclude that he's already dead.

And since we're suddenly getting all responsible and shit, perhaps it's time for us to get a will. Yes, I know we're supposed to have a will, especially in case David and I both die at the same time, but a) David and I are never actually together, so the chance of us dying in the same accident are nil unless the entire earth is annihilated by a meteor and if that happens then all the eyebrow massages in the world won't help and b) In order for the provisions in my will to be carried out, I'll be dead. So, at that point I won't really have a dog in that fight.

I know, right now, people are shaking their heads and saying no! You need a will! I know, I know. I'll get to that. But not right now -- I'm off to give David an eyebrow massage.


  1. Something tells me I know that former work place of yours, and I'd like to place a bet on who you were trading notes with. Cute photo too; If you sign up for google alerts for "wills", as I do (given my profession) you'll get a nice stream of articles on the upcoming wedding, and not on wills that I'm interested in. We did the life insurance thing a while ago....beware of the quality of nurse that travels.....let's just say the draw didn't goes as planned.

  2. I never realized how boring I was until I applied for life insurance and had to answer screening questions, such as: "do you ski? (no)scuba dive?(no) sky dive? (no), drive off-road vehicles? (no) drive stunt cars? (no), plan to live oversees?(no) been convicted of a crime?(no), plan to fly in an airplane in any role other than as a passenger? (no). The one about the stunt cars was my favorite.

  3. Tell me about it! When the examiner asked if I scuba dived, I said yes! By golly yes I do! Okay, the last time was 4-5 years ago, wait, make that more like 6-7 years ago and I have no plans to do it again anytime soon, but still! I COULD.

    And Melissa, I suspect you do know which former workplace I am referring to! But I will exonerate a certain K.M., if that's who your mind leapt to.

  4. I'll bet she was trading notes with DM (David Miller)...