Monday, April 18, 2011


The bad news is that I have not mastered the protocol of what to do when I am bathing two children and one of them poops in the tub. The good news is that I will have plenty of opportunities to refine my technique, since in Baby W's brain, the neurological pathways for "getting clean" and "hitting the button for the ejector seat" are apparently right next to each other and sometimes gets mixed up.

Usually I just fish out what I can and declare the bath over. At the most recent bath, though, I took the baby out and let him crawl around naked while I finished up with Stella, and while I had my back turned he xxxxed all over the xxxx and then he xxxxxxed and even managed to xxxxxx. (I have blocked those words out because those of you who are parents, or even those of you who are guinea-pig owners, know exactly what happened next. Those of you who are not parents, I'll preserve your innocence and tell you that while Baby W was crawling around without his diaper on, he, brought me flowers. And then cooked a nice risotto for dinner.)

In other news, I completed a sewing project that did not require pharmaceutical intervention, either in the form of antidepressants or medication for high blood pressure, unlike my previous undertakings! In fact, my earlier sewing projects were so frustrating (and turned out so badly) that I'm surprised Pfizer doesn't directly market a product to address my problem.

Here's what I'm thinking: the ad could open with a woman slumped over her sewing machine, with a grim voice-over: "Does learning to sew make you wish you had an alcohol problem? Have you ever called your sewing machine a 'cocksucker'? Do you still have traumatic flashbacks to that time you sewed the wrong sides together, spent half an hour ripping out the seam, and then sewed the wrong sides together again?" [Soothing music, happier voice-over.] Pfizer can help. Try Selvedge, the new drug that can help you say 'Screw learning a new hobby, let's go eat Pringles instead.' Side effects could include showing everyone how you can stick two Pringles chips into your mouth curving opposite ways to make a duck bill, and possibly getting a life (although we wouldn't bet on it)."

I think the reason this project turned out better is NOT that I now have voices in my head talking to me, although I wouldn't mind so long as they helped me read the patterns, but that I chose a much simpler project this time. Choosing the right project seems to be critical to sewing success. In fact, choosing the right project seems to be more important to the success of a sewing project than the actual sewing. So how about I stick to choosing projects and skip the actual stitching? You know, work to my strengths. When I engage in actual sewing, I tend to get a little stressed out and do a lot of muttering under my breath and expose the kids to words that I would just as soon they not learn. Words like xxxxx, xxxx, and worst of all, risotto.

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