Monday, May 2, 2011


David apparently fixed the dishwasher. That's great news because I am utterly and totally incompetent when it comes anything related to using or manipulating tools, and yes, I am going to ignore your snickering about my use of the word "tool" in this context. I have also used this website to explain -- at length -- that I am not naturally gifted in artistic pursuits. In case you have the mistaken impression that I'm not good at anything, I would like you to know that I am good at many things, the majority of which have to do with Microsoft Excel. I can make a really kick-ass spreadsheet in under five minutes. In fact, I'm going to make you one for your birthday.

I am thinking that perhaps I could release a line of tastefully designed spreadsheets and sell them at K-Mart, ala Martha Stewart. Actually, I was at the Giant Pet Supplies Store the other day and noticed that Martha Stewart has a line of pet supplies. Apparently Ms. Stewart is really stretching for new areas of our life that need her influence, since she's already taken over our kitchen, the rest of our house, and the garden. Perhaps next she'll expand into healthcare, with tastefully designed IV lines and artificial hips.

Anyway, from what I saw at the pet store, her line includes supplies for dogs, but not cats. I think that's a wise decision on her part, because cats are just not going to toe the line when it comes to color-coordinated booties and leashes the way dogs would. Also, there's just so much you can spiff up vomit, and that is the main function of many cats.

(As an aside, the cats puked on the rug the other day in two long skinny piles, and I was cleaning up the mess, Stella said of the vomit, "That looks like New Zealand." And do you know, she was right.)

Back to the dishwasher -- It was leaking, which bummed us both out. Right around the time Stella was born, we undertook a massive house renovation and replaced virtually every appliance in the house, spending tens of thousands of dollars in the process. So now, by our figuring, we should never have to lift a finger or spend a cent to fix anything in the house ever again. When so much as a light bulb burns out now, we turn to the sky, shake our fists angrily, and shout why?! WHY, GOD?! WHY US?! 

With regards to the dishwasher, David and I both had the same brilliant idea of how to fix it: by putting a towel down when it started to leak. From my perspective, that was doing the trick just fine, but David got ambitious and decided he wanted to try to fix the dishwasher. He did this by watching a video on You Tube and then poking around in the dishwasher for 45 minutes with a screwdriver. Since then, the dishwasher hasn't leaked once, and I figured that all that poking around had fixed it! David was less certain, pointing out that we had also had sex on the day the dishwasher stopped leaking and perhaps that was what fixed it, and we should probably do some preventative maintenance in case it started leaking again. Also, he thought the washing machine might be making funny sounds.

Actually, everything in the house is working right now, which is great news. When something breaks, we are slow to fix it, which means we spend a lot of time dealing with the effects of our half-assed, jerry-rigged repairs. But if your spreadsheet breaks, give me a call.

1 comment:

  1. Alright, I am jealous enough already about the sex to fix things. ... I get to "fix" the furnace by my myself with no reward other than my landlord is not coming over to fuck the thing up worse than it is already.

    Sounds like you have a good thing going on :)