Sunday, July 24, 2011


Today we got a new laptop computer, replacing an antiquated desktop that dates back to the late 1890s, or at least behaved like it did. I believe it was powered by whale oil.

Before socks were invented,
nobody ever missed the bus
The old computer had an uncanny ability to sense when you had a fairly urgent need to get online and would then slow to a mind-numbing crawl, much as when you are walking to the bus stop with little kids, they can sense when you're running a little late to catch the bus and therefore tend to develop some urgent problem with their sock that has to be fixed RIGHT AWAY.

I count myself lucky my computer does not have socks.

I’m not sure why the old computer is so frustratingly and inconsistently slow, but I suspect a virus. I don’t have any direct knowledge of where I could have picked that up, but I blame George W. Bush. He’s kept a pretty low profile recently, but I still like to have somebody to blame for mysterious bad things that happen. Here are other things that I still like to blame on Bush: a greenish hue to the yolks in my hardboiled eggs, split ends, and the entire Twilight series. Also, recently I’ve been getting june bugs in my clean underwear after I hang the laundry out to dry on the line, and I know that’s not Obama’s fault.

I'm willing to entertain the possibility
this is actually Cheney's fault
As an aside, my sister-in-law recently told me that one of the women she works thinks Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is hot and jokes about him being her “boyfriend.”  While our governor isn’t bad looking, it had never in a million years occurred to me that he would be an object of lust. I find this incredibly disturbing, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, apparently there are a decent number of people who have amputee fetishes, and Governor Walker has apparently had his concern for the middle and working classes surgically amputated. It boils down to about the same thing.

Our old computer also has a good deal of stickiness smeared on the keyboard and screen from SOMEBODY eating marshmallow and graham cracker sandwiches while typing. Unfortunately, that SOMEBODY is me. Also unfortunately, the cats tend to rub up against the computer a lot when someone is typing on it and the fur that is shed sticks to the computer. The result is that the entire computer is cased in a thick layer of cat hair. I was counting on the cat hair to act as a protective coating to repel any viruses. Or at least George Bush.

So for a year now, we’ve limped along with a computer that was barely sufficient. It put a real crimp in our porn viewing. Now, however, we have a brand new blazingly-fast laptop, at a time when actual computers are out of style because everyone is using their smartphone and iPad to communicate. Once again, I find myself on the cutting edge of technology from five years ago.

Having a new computer will make it a lot easier to get on line when I need to. I'm not sure whether it will make posting on the blog any easier, though. True, I will be able to access the internet when I need to. And that will probably reduce the copious amount of time I put into meticulously researching and preparing each post (aka downloading porn). But what I'm really holding out for is a new computer that can make me a marshmallow and graham cracker sandwich.

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