Sunday, July 31, 2011


Stella's very last day of preschool is coming up! I'm very sad about this, in part because preschool has been such a wonderful, nurturing experience for her, and in part because it means she will now she will spend the rest of the summer more or less crawling up our pant legs.
Got this pic from the free-photo site
I use. It doesn't have anything to do
with the post, but that doesn't make
it any less awesome.

Preschool has been a great salvation for us as parents, because it gives Stella a whole new social circle in which she can tell people what to do. That takes some of the pressure off us. Apparently we are (in her eyes) derelict parents because we only follow 85%, maybe 90% of her commands. Call child protection, pronto!

There's been a bunch of new kids at preschool recently, and the teacher told us that Stella has enjoyed "playing the role of assistant teacher." I can translate this statement into what it really means, which is that Stella is bossing the new kids around, telling them how things should be done. It doesn't help that she has eight inches and, like, 150 pounds on some of these kids. I can just picture her sitting a new three year old down and saying "Look, kid, I'm the one who pulls the strings around here. Stay on my good side, and all will be well. Cross me your favorite orange crayon again will go mysteriously missing."

One of the great things about Stella's preschool teachers is that they are so darn nice. And they say nice things. This means that sometimes you have to work to figure out what they actually are trying to say. So for example, when her preschool teacher says that Stella is enjoying playing the role of assistant teacher, that's the teacher's nice way of saying Stella thinks someone died and made her Rupert Murdoch.

Here's some additional examples of how to translate statements from preschool-teacher speak into actual English:
"Full of good ideas and loves to share them" = Holy cow, does this kid ever stop talking?
"In the process of learning how to appropriately expressing physical affection" = Is there some reason your daughter is tackling her friends?
"Working on sharing belongings, but only in the proper context" = Ha ha, someone gave your kid lice.

(Don't worry; we don't actually have lice.) (Yet.)

I am sparing you by not using a
 photo of something much, much
Speaking of small parasites, when we were growing up I remember us kids having fairly regular infestations of pinworms. Now, I knew nothing about pinworms when I was a kid other than I didn't like the taste of the pills we had to take. As an adult, I know more about pinworms, although thankfully not from firsthand experience from my children, and -- do you know where pinworms live? And how they get out of you to lay their eggs? It's so incredibly disgusting! Please excuse me, as I now have to go irradiate my intestines and scrub my entire body down with bleach. Seriously, compared to pinworms, lice are much more attractive -- the parasitic equivalent of cuddly koala bears, if koala bears had evolved specialized mouth parts devoted to sucking human blood.

So now Stella will be moving on to kindergarten, where she will be exposed to many new opportunities and skills. I think there's going to be a period of adjustment as she moves from preschool to kindergarten, but I sure hope that she finds kindergarten to be relatively easy socially, and is able to easily make friends with the other kids. Because if I find out anybody's been bullying her, I may have to show up and take all the orange crayons.

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