Tuesday, August 9, 2011


I believe in evolution. Do you want to know why? It's because I can see it happening in my everyday life. You know how as a function of evolution, each organism evolves in part to maximize its chances of survival and increase the resources at its disposal, unless that organism is President Obama in which case it seeks to give Republicans nearly everything they want in the debt ceiling deal?

 My kids do not allow this
kind of perverted behavior.
Well, I can already see that evolution happening in my children. (Not the part about the debt ceiling; unlike President Obama, my children are skilled negotiators.) Specifically, they work to maximize their resources by eliminating any chance of additional siblings. And they do that evolving fine-tuned sensitivities that allow them to disrupt any activities that could, at least in theory, lead to siblings, if you get my drift. 

Their abilities in this area are awe-inspiring. You could suspend Baby W in a sensory deprivation tank many miles away in, say, Indiana (which many people would argue is basically a sensory deprivation tank in of itself) administer him a powerful sedative, and yet he would still be able to wake up and start crying the minute I start to give David a backrub. Stella has her antennae out for so much as a meaningful glance between David and I, so that she can disrupt it by announcing that she has something VERY VERY IMPORTANT to tell us RIGHT NOW, she NEEDS TO TELL IT TO US RIGHT THIS MINUTE, which is that um, um, um, she has a hole in her sock.

Given that I see these kids evolving right in front of my eyes, it's a bit ironic that Stella has recently taken a turn towards religiosity and become interested in the Bible. It started when we were listening to a CD of children's music, which included a song about Noah's ark. I told her the story, and she took to it like a duck to water. So I dug out an old children's Bible of David's, which she has taken to leafing through. The children's Bible is a bit too old for her, so I have to do some editing on the fly when I read it aloud. I also edit it as I read it because -- and this was kind of a shocker -- it's awfully heavy on the whole God concept.

It's ironic that Stella is so interested in this children's Bible, given that she can't stand stories that are the slightest bit scary. She even freaks out when we read "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," because it's too emotionally intense for her. Yet somehow she can handle old-testament Yaweh, who is the Ultimate Grinch. He would smite Cindy Lou-Who for sure. And then turn her into a pillar of salt for being a harlot.

The hair kind of reminds
me of Baby W.
But maybe Stella's just taking after her old lady. When I was a kid, my babysitter had a children's Bible, and I spent hours at a time reading it because there weren't any other kids there my age to play with and I was very bored. Not that my parents should feel guilty about that. No, what they should feel guilty about is that this particular babysitter often served us canned spaghetti-Os with hot dogs cut up in it for lunch, in an apparent attempt to find the single most disgusting lunch combination ever. I've never seen a clearer violation of the Geneva Convention.

The bottom line is that somehow my children manage to demonstrate the fundamental principles of evolution while also becoming very interested in religion. I don't necessarily think this is a conflict. I do hope that Stella in particular can learn about religion, decide if it interests her, and make up her own mind about what to believe. I also hope that Stella stays away from that Cindy Lou-Who slut. She's trouble for sure.

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