Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Freelance

There are a lot of changes going on right now in our household, mostly because David is starting his own business. This is a fancy way of saying he is going freelance. And that is a fancy way of saying he will be unemployed.

This means that for at least a short period, I will be drawing the only paycheck in this household. That's bad news for our financial bottom line. But it's good news in the sense that I plan to lord it over David. I will yell at him to get a job to support his family, and also bug him to stand up straight. I'll also nag him to get rid of that ponytail because Burger King is not going to hire him if he looks like a slob. It's going to be a blast!

Maybe I need to
take up smoking so David
can bring me a cigar, too.
Or -- and this could be a lot more fun -- if David is not working then perhaps he could play the role of housewife, and meet me at the door when I come home from work with a martini in his hand and a meatloaf in the oven. And wearing a dress made of saran wrap.

That's going to take a lot of saran wrap.

Since David is going freelance, we are switching to the health insurance offered through my job. I am grateful that my job offers health insurance, and that my employer makes a significant contribution to the cost, but sweet mary mother of god is it pricey. This is gold-plated insurance with zero copayments or deductibles, so I am planning on taking full advantage of it. We are going to get medical care up to our eyeballs, whether we need it or not. For example, I am thinking of having my appendix taken out as a preventative measure. And then put back in and removed again, just for the heck of it. At these prices, we can't afford not to.

Price: free!
Also, I told David that since we are moving to a cadillac health insurance plan that covers all our medical expenses without any additional out of pocket costs, we are going to need to have another baby. Maybe two. Otherwise it's like throwing money away! Right? Right!

And on my to-do list, now that we have this new insurance: Research possibilities for me to develop some sort of malady that is painless yet shockingly expensive to treat. I'd like it to be a trendy illness, too, if that's not too much to ask. Maybe I could suffer from something that Angelina Jolie has. (And don't say "twins." Those are trendy, but not painless.)

There's other changes in our household that are afoot, as part of the change in David's job. For instance, due to changes in the way we pay for David's work cellphone, it looks like I may get a real cell phone and we may ditch our land line. Technically I already have a cell phone, a $12 pre-paid phone I bought from Target last year that has come in handy the two or three times I've remembered to charge it. The rest of the time, it acts as a very technologically advanced paperweight. That could be changing soon.

So: new job, new health insurance, new phone. A lot of things are changing in our household, and there's a certain amount of stress and uncertainty that goes along with all those new things. I'm also hoping, to be honest, that one of the new things is a whole lot of saran wrap.

2 comments:

  1. i suggest fibromyalgia, but if that's too trendy you could always go with myasthenia gravis.

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  2. I dunno about fibromyalgia -- that one sounds like a major bummer. But myasthenia gravis might work, possibly because you made it up...?

    Signed,
    Ms. Midwest Potato, who is having trouble getting the website to accept my comment on my own goddamn blog.

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