Wednesday, November 2, 2011


There's a lot to be said for living in a neighborhood of well-educated liberals, even if they are rabid job killers who want to destroy the American way of life by engaging in class warfare. Many of my neighbors are public employees, like teachers, cops, and scientists. You know -- the people responsible for the current economic downturn.

I myself work in the nonprofit sector, which means I've never been clear about the role I've played in causing the economy to collapse. I don't work for a private business, so I'm not a job creator. Yet I'm not one of the "job eaters" in the private sector. Maybe I could create jobs on Mondays and Wednesdays, and destroy them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Fridays I could go golfing or something.

My point is that my neighbors are dangerous, evil thugs. They even admit it.

But damn, they give great candy. My neighborhood is just the perfect demographic for a serious Halloween candy haul. Every doorbell Stella rang resulted in a neighbor dumping literally handfuls of mini-candy bars into her plastic pumpkin. And this was quality material, concentrated at the top of the Halloween Quality Candy Ranking.

Don't know about the HQCR? It ranks Halloween candy from highest quality to lowest quality, like this:
[VERY HIGH QUALITY] Snickers, Milky Ways
[MODERATELY HIGH] Starburst, but only the pink ones, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
[EH] Anything with both chocolate, which I love, and coconut, which I hate.
[SEMI-GRODY] Any candy shaped like a body part. We -- er, I mean the kids -- got candy shaped like eyeballs, ears, and bones.
[ONLY TO BE EATEN IN CASE OF EXTREME CANDY EMERGENCY] Stuff that got squished or was already open.

The great thing is that Stella has yet to develop a thorough understanding of the HQCR. She likes weird shit like SweetTarts best. This allows her guardians to skim off the cream of her stash without significant objections from her. I suppose, as her mother, it's my job to help her learn right from wrong and high quality Halloween candy from the dregs. And I might.

Next year.

1 comment:

  1. I have a sneaky suspicion I know the folks with the thugs sign....any chance they have a newborn and 2 huge dogs? None of neighbors had lights on...huge disappointment for us. But somewhat of a relief....neither Ian nor I are allowed to eat sugar. So, no temptation for us.