I have a child who is learning to play soccer. I pay attention to politics. The natural result:
10 Things a Coach Would Say if the Republican Presidential Candidates Were Actually Kindergarteners Learning to Play Soccer
10. Guys. Guys! We're all on the same team, right? Let's all move the ball in the same direction.
9. Ronnie, I know you think you should be able to use whatever part of your body you want to move the ball, but rules are rules.
8. Please do not call your teammates sluts.
7.You may not wear a sweater vest over your uniform.
6. Rick, I'm glad you think God is helping our team win. Let's try to make a goal anyway, okay?
5. I should have been clearer. You may not wear a sweater vest UNDER your uniform either.
4.Newt, you okay, buddy? Newt took a ball to the face, everyone, but he's more surprised than scared, right, little fella? [Newt crumples to the ground, crying.]
3. Why is everyone clustered on the right side of the field? You've left the middle wide open!
2. Rick. Please stop saying that everyone else on your team other than you is so bad that it doesn't matter which team wins.
...and the #1 thing a soccer coach would say to the crop of presidential candidates as kindergarteners...