Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Parenting Magazines are Pure Evil

A lot of parenting magazines -- which by the way in general I find to be almost complete and total bullshit -- tell you not to sleep with your child, because...well, I never really understood exactly why. I think that's just one piece of a whole library of bad advice given by parenting magazines. Not that those magazines don't play a parent in helping people parent. A good rule of thumb is for every bit of advice given by one of those magazines, do the exact opposite.

Slow dancing to Alison Kraus.
Remind me, is there an app
for dancing?
Those of you who don't have little kids might think I'm exaggerating about the evil contained within these parenting magazines. What's the big deal, you wonder? I'm am telling you, these magazines are pure, unadulterated wretchedness, and it's a special type of wretchedness that's designed to get you to spend money. Here are some examples of articles that I found from Parenting Magazine's website just now:

Takeaway message: "If you spend less than $500 on a stroller, it means you don't love your kid."
My thoughts: "Did Jessica Alba junk-pick a stroller like I did? Mine only had a few bedbugs on it."

Takeaway message: "These apps teach your kids as much as going to Harvard would, and for only $1.99!"
My thoughts: "I know of this awesome app for kids. It's called OpenAFlippinBook!" (Note: this kind of attitude is why my kids are destined to be social outcasts. I'll may as well get them started learning Dungeons and Dragons right now.)

Takeaway message: "If you don't have a Conair Garment Steamer, a Clinique Quick Blush, or a momAgenda Kitchen Folio [I'm not making these up -- they're all included as must-haves], then your kid will basically go to jail. In fact, we're surprised he's not there already."
My thoughts: "No wonder this parenting gig is so hard! I have the totally wrong brand of garment steamer!"

Poor kid hasn't had
CRAP steamed
Back to my point, which is that parenting magazines tell you not to sleep with your kids. I really want to disagree with the parenting magazines just out of sheer principle, but I'm said to say that I have to agree with them on this one. Sometimes, when I go to bed, my kids look even more adorable than they do during the day, and so I crawl into bed with them, hoping to sleep and cuddle the whole night. But you know what? MY KIDS FIGHT DIRTY.

They may start out with their heads on the pillow and their feet down by the end of the bed, but by the time midnight rolls around they're sleeping in positions so tangled and unnatural that I'm pushed to the very edge of the mattress. Yesterday when I was snuggled up to Stella, she delivered a sleep-kick worthy of a donkey...straight to my armpit. Because that's where her feet where.

Unlike adults, who manage to stay sleeping in mostly a north-south arrangement, my kids wind up pointing east-west, east-southeast by west-northwest, and all the other directions. And as cute as they are, it's hard to sleep with a spinning compass needle. So usually I just give up and get out of bed. And as long as I'm up, I use that time to steam a garment or two.

1 comment:

  1. Purpose of these magazines is to sell products.

    I liked Mothering when it was published ... even though it did have advertisements, it also promoted ideas like less-is-more ... not the best editorial policy for selling more advertisements for more lucrative products. So now it is only online but the back issues are nice to have.