Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I Got A Plan

These days I am spending a great deal of time complaining about snow. I know, I know, I live in Wisconsin, what should I expect? But these days the thought of moving to the Deep South, which normally I would never consider, sounds positively alluring. I'm practicing denouncing Barack Obama as a secret Muslim, so that if I actually DO move down there, I'll fit right in.

Because of all this snow, we do a lot of shoveling, which is surprisingly hard work. And that is where my plan comes in. It goes like this: Shoveling is hard work, physically. Americans love exercise videos. So how about an exercise video based on shoveling! A truly popular exercise video usually has some sort of numbers in the title, like PDX 90, so I would call my program WINTER 6210 (where six to ten is the number of inches of snow you should shovel to get the best results).

Here's the outline of my new exercise program.

First, put on a heavy coat. And if you can, turn down the heat in your exercise room to about 18 degrees. This will help simulate the shoveling experience of somehow being roasting when you are wearing your coat yet freezing when you take your coat off.
Coat on, socks mismatched, demon cat glaring behind me.

Now, take your shovel. The special WINTER 6210 shovel is an optional add-on to the exercise video, and sells for $52. Considering I will be getting the shovels from Fleet Farm for $12, they will be big profit drivers for me.

Here's the shovel. Get ready to sweat! Cat status: still demonic.


Squat slightly and thrust the shovel away from your body. Does this action feel awkward? Does it feel like something that could seriously damage your back if you performed it repeatedly? Then you're doing it right.

The awkward squat. That's how you do it.


Now raise the shovel over your left shoulder, assuming you are right handed. If you're left handed, you should probably just forget the whole thing and go back inside and have a beer.
The over-your-shoulder fling.


Now, let's pretend that you live in Florida and are giving the WINTER 6210 workout a try. Right now you are saying, "Yes, this is a great workout, but what if I want to make it HARDER? What if I want to simulate the physical effect of slinging wet, heavy snow that sticks to the shovel and won't budge unless you really heave it?"

I'm so glad you asked. To replicate the effect of shoveling that dense snow that weighs about a pound per square inch, I suggest adding weights to your WINTER 6210 shovel. These weights are available for $7.99 each from the WINTER 6210 website, and they look like this:

Reduced-sodium weights

Duct tape them to the shovel, and you are set to exercise!
A weighted shovel.



Shovel away! Do the WINTER 6210 workout and you will be fabulous shape in no time. And if you need it, I have the contact information for a great chiropractor.


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