Thursday, May 23, 2013

I Got Your Life Hack Right Here

I just discovered life hacks and I'm so sad that they are almost completely bullshit.

I read the life hack articles that are all over the internet, hoping to be enlightened and gain the tools I need to live a meaningful, organized life. Instead I found out that a hair straightener can be also used to iron the collar on a shirt. [I'm not even kidding about that! Look here!] That information might come in handy if I observed some sort of minimum standards of grooming, but usually I'm more focused on weightier issues that are more important to our family and our community, such as wondering if I accidentally put my keys in with the compost again.

But! I have developed some of my own life hacks, which come in way handier than the ones on the lists. Here are some life hacks that I have developed that I find useful:

1) How to have something sweet when you purposefully don't have any dessert in the house.
Let's say that you know you have a tendency to sit down and eat a whole bunch of sweet food in one sitting, so you deliberately don't keep any of that stuff in the house. No ice cream, no cookies, no nuthin'. But do you have pita bread? And some brown sugar? Then you can make yourself a sugar sandwich for some late night snacking!

You will notice this is a whole wheat pita filled with sugar.
I use whole wheat because healthy eating is important to me.
Bonus points if your husband comes into the kitchen unannounced and says "Honey? Are you eating a. . . what are you eating?"

Actually, that's it. I just have one life hack. But you have to admit it is very valuable, especially if you also have some cream cheese you can put in the pita along with the sugar.

I do have two problems that need a life hack, though, or maybe just an app.
1) Can I insert a tiny microchip under my child's skin, or maybe use the microchip that Obamacare will require us all to get, and then use my phone to track my child's whereabouts?

This ability to track a kid could come in handy in a variety of situations. Let's say you're at a crowded park, and there are a bunch of kids running around, and you see someone you know, and you chat with her for, oh, say 1.5 seconds because as a parent you learn to compress your conversations into that span of time, and then you look back to keep an eye on your kid and they're GONE. A version of this happened to me recently, and we had to call 911, and it turned out that the little angel had walked into a neighboring cornfield and then got disoriented. I'd easily pay $0.99 for an app that would help me avoid that unpleasantness.

2) Also, I need a weather-dependent alarm clock app. I set the alarm to get up early to run, but I'd rather skip my workout if it's going to be rainy and cold. But I don't know until after the alarm clock wakes me up whether it's rainy or not. Doesn't that sound a little inefficient? Don't you think we can improve on that, with an app that sounds only if the weather is nice?

If you are interested in creating an app, then by all means take my idea about a weather-dependent alarm and run with it. I won't have time anyway to develop the idea. I need to go iron my collar.

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